kitty_of_light | Entries tagged with c'taqa's letters

I...remember. Oh, gods above, I remember. Everything. All of it.

I hardly recognised you, you know. You've changed - we've changed - I'd almost think we were apart for years instead of mere moons. But then you looked at me, and I knew in a split second exactly who you were.

And when you touched me, I remembered. Like you were the key to unlocking it all.

It was Y'shtola's spell after all. Krile - she's a Sharlayan scholar, she helped us find you - was able to pretty much confirm that suspicion, apparently she noticed traces of my aether intertwined with yours when she was tracing the trail of where Y'shtola had sent you. It seems like the magic tore apart our aether to some extent, and when it came back together, some of you was tied into me...and vice versa. It's kind of hard to swallow, I know, but considering nothing came back to me until you put your hand on my shoulder and told me you missed me--

Do you know how hard it was not to cry right then?--

I want to be angry with you for not trying to find me. To find us. But you just couldn't, could you? Your aether...your ability to channel it...I can't possibly be angry now that I know. And you still tried so hard with what you had, knowing I'd be seeking you, knowing you had only to wait, to follow the rumours...

I think I might have thought, for a while, that you didn't even try. But now I know better. I'm sorry...

~~I wonder if your aether within me is what has made me so strong? So you never really left me, did you~~

...Thank you, Thancred. And...welcome home.

~~And stop laughing at me, Y'shtola.~~

Current Mood: ecstatic

Y'shtola is worried about me, too.

The first thing she asked me when we were alone was "You miss him, don't you?" And...I wanted to say yes, I still want to say yes, but I couldn't...I just didn't answer. I guess she thought I was too sad to say anything, because she got all distant and looked at the floor while apologising to me, telling me she really tried her hardest to save you, telling me that maybe there's still hope because no one's found your body - I do have to admit, that made me a little...nervous, I think? I suddenly felt a little lightheaded, and I got that kind of fluttery feeling in my stomach. The thought of maybe being able to find you...would I get my memories back if I did?

But I'm getting off the subject...

I put my hand on her shoulder and told her it wasn't her fault. Then I told her the truth: I don't remember. Not a thing. It's all gone; even that wind-up doll isn't the least little bit familiar to me.

She just stared at me for a little while. I thought she was going to cry.

But she didn't. She sat me down and we talked for...I don't even know how long. She's good at helping me recall tiny details, actually; I didn't realise till she pressed me about it that I know exactly when the memories vanished. When that tunnel caved in, when I turned back at the sound, something...snapped, I suppose. I now remember feeling a sensation like someone had given an electric shock to my mind. I think that has to be the moment.

When we were done talking, she hugged me for a minute and then told me:

"His name is Thancred. Do you remember that?"

...I felt absolutely horrible having to tell her no again.

She's pretty convinced it'll all come back, though. The spell she cast - at least, she thinks this is the problem - was large enough that I was on the fringes of it when it went off, and it disrupted the aetheric balance within me. She's looking into ways to undo what she did, I guess she thinks it's her fault, even though I keep telling her it isn't.

I hope she's right, though. I hope it all comes back.

Thancred...I'll keep saying your name to myself, and hoping I'll remember.

Current Mood: discontent

Alphinaud gave me a wind-up doll the other day. He told me it looks like you.

I'm sure he isn't lying to me, but...it isn't familiar. It's as if it resembles someone I've never met before. I don't understand...I cared about you. I think - no, I know I loved you.

What happened? Why are you gone from my memory?

...He said he got the doll from Tataru to give to me. That she's been worried about me. I went to thank her for it and she just kept asking me questions. Asking me if I remembered, how I felt about it...honestly, it was painful to tell her all the memories are still gone. And then she started crying, but she kept insisting it wasn't my fault, that she was just so concerned for me...

I think I'm getting concerned for me, too. This...isn't right.

If I look at this doll long enough, will I remember you?

Current Mood: distressed

I don't even remember who you are. No one will tell me.

Something happened, I know it, and I'm sure it involved you. I'm sure you were someone irreplaceable. Someone I cared about, someone I (a large ink blot puts some space between the words) loved. But there's nothing...nothing. Just a Twelve-damned light with no face and no name.

If I cared about you so much, why in Thal's name can I not remember who you are?

Alphinaud knows. I can tell by the look on his face whenever he's near me, and the way he gets so quiet and sad when I try to ask him. But he won't say a word; he simply changes the subject or shuts the conversation down completely. I want to be mad at him for it, I want to hate him. But this is just so unlike him - I can't, I just can't. He hurts bad enough. I can't hurt him more.

Would you be angry with me if you knew I'd...forgotten?

...I can't even remember that

Ink has spilled onto the rest, rendering it unreadable except for one fragment at the bottom.

back to me. Please.

Current Mood: listless

Alphinaud said I should write you letters.

I don't see what good it's going to do - you can't receive them - but I have far too much spare time and far too little distraction right now. Anything sounds like a good idea.

...It's been how long now since you gave your life for me? I've lost track of the time; it all blurs together now you're not by my side. I still expect to turn my head and see you, or to hear your voice when no one else is there and the silence is suffocating me. I can still hear you breathe in my bed at night, still feel your heartbeat under my hands when I'm nearly asleep. It's as if it were all some horrible dream.

I wish it were.

Do you know how I screamed that day? Do you know how I cried? How I threw myself to the ground and wailed to the heavens at your selflessness, your bravery, your thrice-damned idiocy? And do you know how long I ran, until it ached, until it burned, until I couldn't see or breathe or even move? Even then it wasn't enough. Even then all I could see was a light I knew was you. All I could hear was a voice I knew was yours, telling we'd meet again.

Why did you lie to me? Why did you make me hope?

Thal take you, if I could have taken your place instead...would you feel like I do now?

...I miss you. Why did you leave me?

There are tear stains on the ragged parchment.

Current Mood: crushed

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31

C'taqa Baelsar

Entries tagged with c'taqa's letters

005; letter.

004; letter.

003; letter.

002; letter.

001; letter.

Profile

May 2016

Syndicate

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags